[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I can’t stop laughing at this
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
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[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself