Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Banana is the quietest snack
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
The struggle is real
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.