BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Not all heroes wear capes.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat