*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
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You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me My dog
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.