Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
You Might Also Like
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.