I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
You Might Also Like
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.