Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
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[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho