Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
You Might Also Like
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Buck naked
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.