[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
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WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now