Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
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my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework