an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My beach vacation Google searches
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*