Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.