Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
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“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?