I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Thursday Thought.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
And bowling should be called pinball
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”