It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
You Might Also Like
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
This checks out
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI