The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.