Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.