Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.