[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”