There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
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Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Always…
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
wut hotdog?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair