If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
🤣
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
i want the dreams to chase me for once
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
The asteroid..
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*