Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Breaking news:
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My love language is deader than Latin
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!