Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”