I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”