friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
You Might Also Like
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?