Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.