[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
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Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Childbirth is so beautiful
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.