ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.