When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: