Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
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hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
You are not alone 💚
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson