t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Breaking news:
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
For the baby who has everything
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Knock Knock