Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I think the cat got the dog high.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.