I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.