Smallpox sounds so adorable
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad