GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*