I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
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When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Bruh PLEASE
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.