SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
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I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Can Happiness buy money?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs