All set.
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Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.