“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Pot warmers of the day.