Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.