Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
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I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.