What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow