Love is always patient and kind.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*launders Kohls cash*
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese