Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Wednesday
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.