Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*