Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.