when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
You Might Also Like
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
#MeanwhileInCanada
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.