My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
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Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.