Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
You Might Also Like
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
This a good idea
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.