I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
This is why I hate group projects
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!